The comedy styles of.... Options

[AC9breaker]

So anyone hear any good jokes lately? I have, thought that I would share it with you guys.

No offense to anybody

This is a so baaaadddd.......

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they
don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying
the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some
more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

[Sheik]

hmmm...not really jokes, but I thought they were quite good. Someone emailed these to me.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late ... but please don't shove me either!"

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a song. They give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive: I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't find a baby sitter."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong sermon on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad."





A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ~~~~~~~~

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." ~~~~~~~~

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
~~~~~~~~~~

A string walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve strings here. "He crumples him up and tosses him out onto the sidewalk where he gets all scraped up and tangled. The string walks right back in and orders a drink. Amazed, the bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that same string I just threw out?" The string answers, "No, I'm a frayed knot!" ~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." ~~~~~~~~~~

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" ~~~~~~~~~~~

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." ~~~~~~~~

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" ~~~~~~~~~~

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." ~~~~~~~~~~

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed; is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." ~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." ~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam". ~~~~~~~~~~~